The first response to cancer news from your friend is to say "Oh Shit!' or "That's fucked!" or "What the fuck!" or "Damn" if you don't like swearing. Those responses made us smile. We were as stunned by the news as much as our friends were, when we told them.

 

Our wonderful friends let us cry and babble on about all of the medical terminology, potential treatment and our confusion. They listened and did not try to solve it.

 

Our friends helped us: They went to chemotherapy and radiotherapy sessions with my wife when my wife wanted some-one with her. Our friends respected the fact that sometimes we needed to do things on our own. I had to let my wife do things on her own when she wanted no-one at treatments too.

 

We loved the friends that brought 'feel good' food and chocolate and champagne and listened. People paid for coffee and cake in cafes just to try and cheer us up. My wife loved getting flowers and massage vouchers. Our friends brought treats for our child.

 

Friends brought cooked meals for us to keep in the freezer. Not having to worry about cooking meals was appreciated. Although at one stage we had fifteen lasagnes delivered in one week! The sentiment was there, though.

 

Best Oscar Awards 🏆 for Compassionate Comments:

1. We're there for you at any time you need us. Night or Day. Just call us.
2. How can we help? What can we do?
3. Is it alright if we do [insert treat, event etc.] for you?
4. Can we take you out for dinner to take your mind off the news?
5. Can we babysit your child so you can have time with each other?
6. We will be there for you no matter what.
7. Can we meet you at your place? Can we pick you up? Do you want to get out of the house? Do you want us to cook dinner for you and bring it over?
8. Asking: R U OK?
9. You grieve how you need to grieve and let us know how we can help.
10. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve! We won't. 👍

Don't be offended by "No, thanks," either. It's not that we didn't appreciate the offer. Sometimes you don't have the energy to do anything except crawl up on the couch in the foetal position in your pajamas.

 

Our feelings and emotions were so raw, vulnerable and exposed however when people genuinely asked us how they could help, it was appreciated.

 

In our case, we liked using 'real words' about cancer and dying, not euphemisms: 

• "How is chemotherapy going? Can I take you next time?" 
• • Not: How is the 'green medicine' going? Green medicine. It's not cough mixture. It's nasty!
• "How is the cancer treatment going?"
• • Not: "How is the 'Rust' going?" Rust? What was my wife, a car?
• "Did you want to talk about your funeral?"
• • Not: "What are we going to do when you pass away" 

I emailed our friends to visit us and not cry in front of either of us or our young son, which used to happen regularly at our front door. My wife was consoling people about her impending death. We used to dread it when the door bell rang. Leave your mortality issues at the door. Literally.

 

We needed our friends' strength and support. Kindly said, I needed friends to cry on their own time. My wife started to say to some people, "I'm not dead yet, stop crying." 😲

 

We still enjoyed hearing everyone's good news, funny stories and their holiday plans. Anything else that distracts you from the cancer. There was a constant stream of food and treats being delivered so I did not have to cook.

 

Most of the focus and support is on the one with cancer, as it should be. I really appreciated it as a husband and father. What was special was when my close friends looked out for me too. They asked me: R U OK? Three powerful little words. Usually followed up with, "Is there anything we can do for you, Paul?".

 

My wife's beautiful Swiss cousin and her family, travelled to meet up with us to spend time with my wife in Paris (when we were celebrating Bad News) and Los Angeles on another occasion. She knew how time was so short and she wanted to make sure that she saw my wife as many times as she could. My brother who lived in London, did the same thing for his sister in law when we visited Europe.

 

My wife and son wanted to keep the cancer news 'low key', so that my son could attend secondary school and have time away from the cancer. The teachers and mentors respected that decision too. Our new American friends whose children went to the same school as my son, became part of our network of supportive friends. I knew that they could be discrete when I shared how bad the news was. They dropped food at our place so I did not have to cook. They often offered to collect our son after school, so that he could spend time with other teenagers, away from death and dying. We appreciated it. 

 

My wife's Melbourne girlfriends visited regularly and other Sydney friends flew down to see her. Two other friends travelled from New Zealand and Singapore regularly just to cheer her up. 

 

Their efforts made my wife so happy. It lifted her spirits ❤. As a carer, it is those moments which have the greatest effect on your loved one and made my job so much easier. I will never forget that.

 

These small gestures were so generous and made such an impact to us, when you are constantly 'drowning under the weight' of being a carer. It is difficult to juggle all of the balls in the air.

 

Our friends constantly checked in on us (from around the world) and did not give up on us, even as the news worsened. Our true friends were there when the aggressive cancer returned and when palliative care started and dementia set in.

 

When palliative care at home started, I organised a roster for people to come around to visit my wife. They brought my wife's favourite treats and more than plenty for everyone. Those wonderful friends gave me the gift of an hour or two away from cancer and death. I valued that time just to leave the house: My wife was cheered up, my son was at school and everyone was looked after.

 

Oh I had time to breathe. 🙂

 

I honestly did not think of using Carer apps on the phone or computer! I was not keen to post our personal details on Facebook. Here are a few to get you started.

 

Caring Bridge

Coordinate Help: Your personal CaringBridge website is designed to rally your family and friends together, to offer you support when and how you need it.

 

Swathe.me

A transparent, free, charitable platform matching people in need with supporter’s physical or monetary help.

Ironically, even before this cancer roller coaster ride started for us, I didn't know what to say when my close friend was first diagnosed with cancer. I learnt the following: 

• I rang straight away and asked if I could visit? Of course, my beloved friend replied!
• I said nothing about medical advice when I visited: I'm no cancer surgeon, no oncologist and no expert in cancer.
• I would tell my funny stories and look my dear friend straight in the eye. 
• I listened to all the medical stories and her retelling her reactions to un-supportive friends. We would be shocked together and then we would laugh so hard.
• My wife and I brought decadent treats for our dear friend - chocolate, trashy magazines, bright and cheerfully coloured flowers and homemade food (I love to cook).
• We laughed together when our friend made light of her cancer. She encouraged me to laugh at it with her:
• • She would say to me,
  • • "You make the peppermint tea for us. I'm using the Cancer Card: I'm dying soon and I can't be bothered!"😂
    • "Paul, you need to make your famous Chocolate Mousse Cake for me because I might die soon without tasting it again!"
• We brought fun treats for her child which made us all smile
• We planned 'small mercies' (short term fun goals) E.g. Going to the movies after the first round of chemotherapy etc.
• My friend was annoyed when people looked at her like she was dying tomorrow and constantly talking about serious 'getting ready to die' things. So we made each other laugh. On some days, I thought that I was going to wet myself we were laughing so much.
• We hugged when we saw each other, instead of saying anything at all.
• We regularly, told each other how we valued our friendship and loved our friendship. Neither of us wanted any regrets.
• My friend would talk about her spirituality (not her religion) and we guessed what would happen after she would die, because that is what she wanted to talk about.
• My friend even promised to haunt me from the next life! She told me that it would really shock me.
• I kindly offered to eat all of the treats my friend received that she could not eat because of her chemotherapy or radiotherapy sessions. (OK. That was my excuse and I'm sticking to it.)

When times were really tough, we dropped off our homemade cooking, with a main meal and dessert in an insulated bags outside their home, with flowers. We texted my friend and her family to say, "We're thinking of you. We have left food on the doorstep. Love to all of you."

It's not hard to be supportive, but some people struggle with what to say or do and others only think about it from their own perspective. Some people avoided seeing us or contacting us.

 

My wife used to ask me if an old friend didn't want to see her was because she had no hair? I said it was their immaturity and their mortality, it was not about her baldness.

 

I asked one person why she didn't visit my wife. She said, "I don't know what to say." Just talk to the person. Just listen to the person. Be there for them.

 

Some people told us about how their friends had died horrible deaths to cancer when I saw them. Why? How is that going to cheer us up? Pay a counsellor and work out why you need to tell people those sorts of stories. Not appropriate! 

 

You are allowed to smile and laugh when you read these real life and true examples. We did 😂

• The most nauseous comment was, "How are you?" (My wife replied once, "How do you think I am? I feel like shit. I vomit every hour and I am dying!")
• "I don't believe in cancer. You just need to meditate on it," 
• "You must have done something in a previous life to deserve cancer." 
• "Tell me about how much of her breast was removed. Which one? Both? What do the scars look like?"
• One person told me that they could not visit us because "I don't like to see suffering. It's depressing." 😂
• "I read on Google that organic, apricot kernels cure cancers." 😲
• "I can help you except on [insert restrictive this date, this date and that date and these times]" 
• After my wife had had a week of intensive chemotherapy, a friend asked us if we could come to visit her, because she was too busy to visit us at our place.

My wife was handed an esoteric book about how she brought cancer on herself and how she can heal herself from within, if she just said sorry to a higher being. We laughed hard after she left.